Subject: [FFML] [R1/2] Family Secrets – Chapter 1: Secrets Unveiled

From: "Kinai " <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2007 10:58:48 +0100

Hi.

It has been a long time since I sent any chapter to FFML. I hope that everybody like this.

Disclaimers:
- Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.
- This story is made for fun and is meant for the enjoyment of the fans.
- I have to thank Kirra for revised the prologue. Thank you very much.
- Please R&R.
- If anybody wants be a pre reader and help me you only have to e-mail me. I would be
happy to accept. Thanks.
-----------------------------------------Chapter 1: Secrets Unveiled.

Nodoka was drinking tea quietly in the living room of the Tendo's house. Little volutes of
steam rose from the hot liquid. The warm cup laid between the delicate hands of Nodoka,
who from time to time, brought it near her lips and drank a sip. 

The tranquillity and silence reigned in the house and only the martial shouts of the
students, muffled by the distance, challenged this calm. 

Suddenly the entrance door busted open with a blow strong enough to break the peaceful
atmosphere of the house and instead, announced the arrival of the two youngest habitants
of the house. Nodoka sighed for the lost tranquillity and turned towards the door of the
room. A moment later the door opened and Ranma and Akane entered in the living room where
Nodoka was standing. 

=93Good afternoon.=94 Nodoka greeted them with a smile while she stood up; however neither
teenager returned the greeting. 

Ranma stood by the entrance of the living room with his eyes fixed on the floor, avoiding
eye contact with his mother. At his side, Akane stared at him. Her hands, crossed in front
of her, held her school-bag with so much strength that her knuckles had turned white. 

After a moment of odd silence among the three, Ranma looked at Akane. She frowned and
pointed at Nodoka with a slight movement of her head. Ranma turned towards his mother. 

=93Mom=85 Listen=85 Today we talked with Ukyo. Well, no... Ukyo came to talk with me=85=94 

The smiled disappeared from Nodoka's face, but neither Ranma, who was too busy searching
for appropriates words, nor Akane, noticed it. 

=93We didn't talk with her since the wed=85 well=85 you know.=94 

Akane huffed and started to repeatedly hit her school-bag with her forefinger. 

________________________________________

While the sound of the bell, which indicated the end of the class, echoed throughout the
halls, Ranma stretched in his chair to get the stiffness out of his muscles. At his side,
Akane went to talk with her friends while the rest of his classmates stood up, started to
clear their tables or talk among them. Ranma took his school-bag, opened it and, without
hurry, started to put away his books; until he felt unexpectedly, that somebody pulled his
arm gently. On raising his head he met Ukyo's inquisitive glance. 

=93Why have you been avoiding me all week?=94 She asked seriously, yet almost in a whisper, so
no one, especially Akane, could hear her. 

Ranma looked away angered and fixed his eyes on his desk. 

=93How could you even ask me, after what Shampoo and you did?=94 The curtness of his answer
surprised Ranma himself; but it didn't frighten off Ukyo; who let out a loud guffaw. 

=93Come on Ranma! Don't tell me that you really wanted to get married.=94 She answered in an
amusing and slightly sarcastic tone. 

Neither realised that Ukyo's laugh have caught Akane=92s attention, and this one approached
them with an angry face. But Ukyo continued on, so Akane couldn=92t interrupt her, either
Ranma added anything 

=93You don=92t need to lie. Your mother was the one that invited me to the wedding. She told
me that you would be happy if, for any reason, the wedding didn=92t take place.=94 

Ranma looked at Ukyo who saw clearly in the face of her fianc=E9 the surprise and confusion
that her words had caused. The idea that Ranma didn=92t know anything about the plans of her
mother assailed Ukyo. A question pronounced in a low voice at her back interrupted her
thoughts. 

=93Why?=94 

Ukyo=92s words had stopped Akane just when she had gone to grasp the shoulder of her rival;
so when the young chef turned around, she met Akane=92s half-outstretched arm. Ukyo noted
that Akane=92s hand shook slightly and her face had the same expression of surprised and
disbelief of Ranma=92s. Akane didn=92t pay attention to Ukyo. Her eyes were fixed on Ranma,
with the vain hope to find an answer to her question. 

=93Why?=94 
________________________________________

Ranma finished his story and the silence returned to the room. Akane had stopped to hit
her school-bag and both teenagers observed Nodoka with the hope that this one refuted
Ukyo=92s words. However Nodoka merely continued looking them with a sad expression. All that
could be heard during a few minutes were the deadened noises in the dojo and the birds
chirping outside.
 
Finally Nodoka made a decision. She sat down again in front of her cup of tea and she
started to stir the cold liquid with a teaspoon. 

=93Do you really want be married?=94 Nodoka asked. The tone of her voice was calm but it had a
touch of sadness. 

Neither Ranma, nor Akane expected this question; therefore it caught them completely by
surprise. Ranma started to babble an answer but before he could say anything coherent
Akane exploded. 

Akane's anger had risen greatly after seeing Ukyo talking to Ranma, but the words of Ukyo
had covered her rage with surprise and confusion. Nodoka's inappropriate and rude question
filled Akane with rage; a rage hidden under her surprise, but which was fed by her confusion. 

=93Since when do you care about our opinion?=94 

Ranma and Nodoka looked at her surprised by her outburst. Akane had the head lowered, her
glance fixed in the floor, her shoulders sank and all her body trembled with rage. 

=93Our fathers are only interested in joining of the schools. You are only interested in
Ranma's manliness. You helped them to prepare the wedding. And you never asked us what we
wanted!=94 

=93Akane=85=94 Nodoka whispered but nobody heard her. 

=93Now it turned out that you told Ukyo to sabotage our wedding. Why? Do you enjoy fucking
with our lives??=94 

Akane rose her head on saying the last question, and Ranma=92s mother could see the tears
that flowed down by Akane=92s cheeks. Nodoka sighed and shook her head. 

=93You don=92t understand. You and Ranma can=92t marry.=94 Nodoka=92s tone emphasized the
impossibility of this union. 

=93Why?=94 Ranma exclaimed before Akane could react. 

=93Because you and Akane are siblings.=94 Nodoka said.
________________________________________

TBC...

Kinai.

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From: Bert Miller <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2007 11:57:44 -0400

Time for a quick C&C to celebrate the return of the list!

First comment:  8K is a little short for a first chapter if you really 
want to grab people's attention.
Not very much actually happens in this chapter other than the bombshell 
at the end.

> who from time to time, brought it near her lips and drank a sip. 
Not a bad opening, although it could be bettered, I think.  On the one 
hand, I find myself wondering where Kasumi
is, why she's not keeping Nodoka company.  On the other, you could fix 
the readers' attention on your story
right from the beginning by adding just a bit of tantalization here.  
Something like:  "Nodoka was drinking tea quietly,
only the very slightest shaking of the tea cup betraying a certain 
tension in her frame."

Having Kasumi query Nodoka on her apparent disquiet would serve to fix 
in the reader's mind that
there is an unanswered question here.

> room. A moment later the door opened and Ranma and Akane entered in the living room where
Standing?  When did she stand up?  The picture you tried hard to draw 
for us is that she is
sitting or kneeling.

> teenager returned the greeting. 
You appear to be using non-ASCII characters for quote marks, probably MS 
"smart quotes", which get translated
into garbage in transit (in this case, '=93' and '=94' respectively).

> of her, held her school-bag with so much strength that her knuckles had turned white. 
Given what happened, it strikes me that where R & A are looking is off.  
I'd have thought Ranma would be either
darting glances at his mother or looking straight in her eyes; ditto 
Akane.  And why would Akane
be waiting for Ranma to speak?

> me that you would be happy if, for any reason, the wedding didn=92t take place.=94 
This is an excellent example of what the non-standard ASCII characters 
do to your story.
This particular line if the first new development in your story, really, 
and it's kind of hard
to read, minimizing its impact.

> =93Now it turned out that you told Ukyo to sabotage our wedding. Why? Do you enjoy fucking
The 'f' word seems very out of place here, and it's not clear what its 
use buys you.  In the manga, Akane is normally
very polite in her speech.  She has a temper, true, but it normally 
manifests in violence, not obscenity.  While
profanity may have a place, sparingly used, in writing, I think it's a 
good rule to use it only as a last resort.
Consider the following alternative:
"Now Ukyou claims you told her to sabotage our wedding.  Why?  Why would 
you do that?"
Akane stared at Nodoka wordlessly, her face white, as she clenched her 
fist once, twice,
then collapsed to her knees, sobbing helplessly.  "You- you're ALWAYS- 
interfering in our
lives."

> =93Because you and Akane are siblings.=94 Nodoka said.
Well, that's a pretty good cliff-hanger.

I'm somewhat curious where this goes, but not as much so as I could be.  
If you'd given we
readers a second mystery in the first chapter, I'd probably be caught, 
assuming that you, as
a writer, really knew what you were doing.  But, as things stand, this 
isn't enough to give
me that confidence; I feel that the second chapter stands a 50-50 chance 
of being very
boring and derivative.  It's up to you to prove me wrong.

---

From: "Rebecca Thornton" <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2007 14:27:31 +1000

C&C time!
Remember, this is all my opinion, so feel free to ignore anything that you
don't agree with.

> students, muffled by the distance, challenged this calm.

Martial shouts?  You mean the shouts of people practicing martial arts?

> teenager returned the greeting.

Did you copy and paste directly from MS Word by any chance?  The inverted
commas didn't translate awfully well to ASCII characters.  Try saving the
fic in text format first.

> pointed at Nodoka with a slight movement of her head. Ranma turned towards

Why would Ranma avoid his mother's eye contact?  That tends to imply that he
is uncomfortable in her presence, or being deceitful, or being unusually
deferential to her.  The dynamic between Ranma and Akane that you have
described here is that Akane is the one pushing Ranma to talk to his mother;
in which case, he might be avoiding _her_ gaze rather than his mother's.

In any case, I'm not sure that Ranma would be so passive.  Whether he likes
to admit it or not, it's pretty clear how he feels about Akane by the end of
the manga, and he's just been told that his mother didn't really want them
to get married.  I think that he'd want answers from her, and he'd be pretty
upfront in trying to get them.

Also, Akane seems a little passive.  Why wouldn't she just ask the questions
herself?

> Akane huffed and started to repeatedly hit her school-bag with her

Uh... Bakusai Tenketsu doesn't work on schoolbags, Akane.  :-)

Awkward phrasing.

Something along the lines of:
"The sound of the bell echoed through the halls, indicating the end of the
class.  Ranma stretched out in his chair, trying to get the stiffness out of
his muscles."
reads a little better, IMO.

> arm gently. On raising his head he met Ukyo's inquisitive glance.

Actually, this whole paragraph is phrased oddly.  I can work out what's
going on, but it's not being presented terribly clearly.

> no one, especially Akane, could hear her.

"...avoiding me all week?" she asked seriously...

It's still the same sentence, so you don't need a capital S in she.

> amusing and slightly sarcastic tone.

An amusing tone, or an amused one?

> them with an angry face. But Ukyo continued on, so Akane couldn=92t

Really awkward phrasing again.  Try rereading your story out loud; it will
really help highlight this type of things.

"This one", I'm guessing, is referring to Akane?  "Approached them with an
angry face" could be replaced with something like "approached them, an
expression of anger on her face".

Also, has Ukyou seen Akane approach, or hasn't she?  I guessed here that she
had, but only a few lines down you refer to Akane being behind Ukyou.

> mother assailed Ukyo. A question pronounced in a low voice at her back

I'd take that "Ranma looked at" off the beginning of this paragraph.  It
implies that the subject of the sentence is Ranma, when in fact, it is
Ukyou.

> Ukyo=92s words had stopped Akane just when she had gone to grasp the

Ukyou's words?  Which words?  Was Akane reaching out to Ukyou prior to
asking her question?

> that Akane=92s hand shook slightly and her face had the same expression of

Correction: surprise, not surprised

> with the vain hope to find an answer to her question.

Stopped doing what to hit her schoolbag?  Or stopped hitting her schoolbag?

> glance fixed in the floor, her shoulders sank and all her body trembled

Correction: Akane had _her_ head lowered

> that flowed down by Akane=92s cheeks. Nodoka sighed and shook her head.

Why is Akane crying?  Nodoka hasn't told them at this stage _why_ they can't
get married.  She's frustrated by all of the perceived interference in their
engagement, but I just can't see Akane breaking down in tears just yet.

> =93Because you and Akane are siblings.=94 Nodoka said.

The big question is why Nodoka has, up until then, approved of the marriage
if she knew that they were siblings.  She does have some wierd ideas about
relationships, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't extend to incest.

No, the only way this could work is if she only just found out herself, and
given that it is Nodoka rather than Genma you're talking about (i.e. a woman
rather than a man), you're a little limited with options.  For instance, she
would know if she had given birth to two children or none.  She would also
know if she'd had an affair with Soun Tendou, and become pregnant a short
while afterward.  However, she wouldn't know if Genma had an affair with Mrs
Tendou, so that's a possibility.

Overall, it does seem a fairly short (only one scene, or one and a bit if
you count the flashback), but if it's only a prologue it's probably okay.
I'd prefer to see the chapters get longer and more indepth as you go along,
otherwise you run the risk of skimming over too much of the story.

Also, I did find it a little flat.  You seem to be writing in third person
omniscient style; it's very flexible, but one of the side-effects of it can
be to leave the reader passively watching the scene rather than feeling and
experiencing the scene from inside a character's head.  You have a really
good opportunity to get inside the characters' heads with this story; don't
waste it!  :-)

Hopefully, some of this helps.  I'm interested in seeing where you head with
the next chapter.

> --
> Rebecca